i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
