i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
