i permit you to call me
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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