nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
