At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
