Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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