Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
