Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
