i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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