So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
