Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
