you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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