his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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