I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
