There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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