i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
whose parrot is this?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
