So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
