i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
