she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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