It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I woke up under a house in Key West
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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