I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
