guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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