6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
