why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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