i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
