DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
