How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
