I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
