Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
