After last night, I could never be a politician.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
It was confusing and full of hummus
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
