I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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