i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
