Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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