Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
