I didn't shave. On purpose
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
