speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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