apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
