dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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