Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He shit in the fireplace
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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