allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I want you more than these girls want KFC
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
