Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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