were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
