A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
