i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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