He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
this beer tastes like vomit already
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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