Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
