Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
