I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
