2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
