i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
