420 ftw
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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