Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
