Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
