I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
